[Not So] Caféine-intoxiqué..

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

tl;dr, po;db, tl;dp

"We don't have a camera!"

I'm on a Boat Feat. T-Pain

I'm on a boat, nerk. Imho, The Lonely Island is made of epik proportions of win, I tell you. Epic win!
...and because I think Transformers 2 sucked metallic balls [refer to the picture below], movie rant is now.

First off, what I really want to know, as in from the core of my burning geekmush brains, is how the on burning Earth did the US government manage to cover up the entire crazy-badass-robots-running-in-pursuit-in-a-1000000 -populated-metropolitan-city thing. I mean, look at it! In the first movie, shouldn't have those pedestrians, cabbies, citizens in general notice that there were 10ish robots clanking around kicking each other's arses? And somehow, the federal government managed to hide the whole thing?? Using what excuse?
The shrooms/crack factory in Texas started emitting smoke and everyone was high so technically, they were hallucinating the whole thing. How am I even supposed to even begin to believe that?
Unless alien robots running pursuit of each other is a completely normal occurrence in the States, which I highly doubt since in that case, Yoda's head might as well be half a cactus plant, I refuse to believe this.

Secondly, those two overly horny canines? It was just downright redundant and for the sake of mentioning, highly disturbing. If I'm not mistaken, there were 2 or 3 scenes with the dogs and their sky-high libido being illustrated in the most uncanny way possible, no effects, just the dogs doing their thing. 3 times. I don't find that funny, that's nature. That's nature's way of pornography. Oh yeah.


The third. Ahhh. Megan Fox. Megan Megan Megan. She's gorgeous, and I have this massive girlcrush on her and it makes me even more happier that she dated a stripper once. But honestly though, she did nothing throughout the whole movie with the exception of looking really hot lah. It was as if they just reused the old props from the first movie but this time, those props have no use. I mean sure, she's a heckload of eyecandy and that's good for all those hormone-raged fanboys but guhhh, do something already. Don't just stand around, follow Shia, drive a car, lame one-liners and have that awfully sexy scream. She was a supposed to be a heroine. I mean c'mon, you're gonna have a song off the soundtrack detailing your badassness one day. Live up to it.

The action scenes were okay in a way, but a bit too anti-climatic and drawn out.. Since Transformers are generally shiny and metallic and really hard to make out, I think the fight scenes were a bit overdone. And with this I quote a review, "I could make out Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, but I must have thought that Megatron was killed about 17 times during this movie."

And now for the things that I didn't know 'bout Transformers, but now I do.
[a] Transformers can teleport? What IS this? A Robocop+Heroes mashup? Hell no btches, this is Transformers. There ain't no teleporting shiet in this biz.
[b] They have accents?? Not that I'm not completely gratified by the fact that Jetfire reminds me of a VERY cranky Dr House, but wow, they have accents? I thought they're from Cybertron?! Doesn't that mean every Transformer has the same accent? And geezers, what was up with the twins? That was blatant stereotyping. How fudgecaking racist!
[c] John Turturo’s underwear. Oh HELL NO.
[d] The fact that apparently, it's extremely cool to talk in audio clips and songs instead of having a real voice. Thus, you have Bumblebee not being able to speak.
[e] Jesus isn't the only one who resurrected, apparently. Transformers can teleport, reproduce, have accents and have the ability to being the dead back from life. So now, it's Robocop+The Bible? Is Michael Bay even Christian?
[f]This is a bit disturbing, but if you watched that time where Devastator climbed up the pyramid, you'll notice that he has nuts.In the form wrecking balls. I kid you not.

Honestly, I'm not even gonna begin. I'm just gonna say one thing, visual wreckage.

The conclusion, Transformers I beats Revenge of The Fallen by one end on the South pole to the the end of the North pole. The verdict is reached.

Goodnight, goodnight.

Ezzrriiieeeeee worded out at 5:11 PM

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